Mental Breakdown.

Ok, so I might exaggerate. I did not clinically have a mental breakdown, but it sure feels like it.

I have gotten a few emails wondering where I have been..lemme ‘splain.

Let’s just say I have been out of sorts as of late. It all started with trying to figure out my damn migraines. Granted, I have been having them for years and years, but I am fed up with them. I have narrowed them down to Menstrual migraines…you know, when Aunt Flo decides to visit. They come on slow, I know they are coming, but they are debilitating and sometimes last for 4 days..completely excruciating.  Before you say…”oh, have you tried this?” The answer is YES, yes and YES. I have tried it all. I have done acupuncture, tried every possible prescription medication available know to man. Taken herbal supplements. Had massages. Tired the “mind over matter” bull sh*t. Nothing helps, nothing AT ALL. Seems totally unfair if you ask me. It really affects my life. Makes it very difficult to juggle daily deeds, let alone train for a marathon(oh yeah, did I mention I am running the NYC marathon?)
I go to my Gyno and beg him for help. He said my last option is birth control. Uggggg. I have not been on birth control in probably 14 years. Me and birth control don’t like each other. The last time I took it, I gained an unGodly amount of weight and my hair started to fall out. Super fun. But to be honest, I am desperate, desperate to have my life back. So I agreed to go down the dreaded birth control route. I was actually excited to start. The thought of maybe being migraine free seemed to outweigh the possibility of 10 more pounds and a receding hairline!

I started the pill. Day one…CHECK.
Day two…CHECK..this is simple
Day three, four, five blah blah blah..OMG, I felt like I was in my first trimester of being pregnant. I was nauseous 24/7. I felt like ass. Tired and nauseous. Not good..not good at all.
Well, the nausea finally subsided by week 2 and then the anger started. Geeze, can’t a girl catch a break?
I remember when it started. I was sitting at my computer and I felt like this wave of anger took over me, like I wanted to punch something. Ohhhh my, it was awful. I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. I had never felt like that before. That was about a week ago. I am still bitchy, but I don’t feel like I literally want to kill someone.
The pill has seemed to take away all my drive as well. I don’t want to do much of anything.I don’t want to blog. I don’t want to keep up on social media. Check my email?…gag me with a spoon. Oh, and then there is the house. I am a clean freak..and I don’t even feel like cleaning. Don’t feel like socializing. And I feel super crazy bloated and puffy.
Is this all worth not having migraines, uh, I don’t know..you might want to check with my husband.!!???
I am just hoping this is my body getting used to the hormones. Might take a few months, right?? Has anyone else had these issues with birth control? I will keep you posted on if my husband decides to divorce his crazy ass bitch wife in the mean time!
And just about the time I feel about a quarter better, my son gets stomatitis, a nasty painful viral mouth infection where your mouth and throat is infested with canker sore like sores. And I am sure you can guess what happens next…YEP..I have it now too.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME? nahhhh, I wouldn’t kid like that. Emma has it too now.
Good times.
I like to think I have my sh*it together. But right now, I feel like it is all coming apart. Depressed, sick and unmotivated. So bare with me with while my estrogen gets back to its normal self.  I hope to report back to you in a few weeks that I am cured of my migraines. I am sure that will make all of this worth it!
I have a few posts lined up for you while I am on my “take a ride on the crazy train” leave of absence. So I have not forgotten about you totally.

So know you know why I have been absent from my blog, your blogs, twitter, Facebook, Stumble Upon, Pinterest and everywhere else. Kinda felt like I owed you and explanation.

 

 

Comments

  1. 1

    oh! that is hard. migraines are awful – Ive been getting them again lately and am not sure why. Like you, nothing works so far – except sleep. And, it’s not like I really have the time for that… However, 4 days?!? I don’t even know how you’re doing it. I guess I shouldn’t complain when I get them for 2. Birth control does crazy things to people – I would say, give it a month and see what happens. Mine balanced out eventually, but the first few weeks were hell

  2. 2

    Aww, I hope things get better for you soon! I’ve had some awful bc experiences as well, and the one kind I finally found that worked well for me was the cheap generic kind called Apri. If you google it there are some very negative reviews, but it has been the only kind that I haven’t had side effects from. If the symptoms of your current brand keep driving you crazy maybe check that kind out. I know everyone has a different reaction, but I’ve just been sooooo happy to finally find a kind that doesn’t make me crazy that I want to share it with all my fellow women! Haha.

    Looking forward to new recipes when you’re up for posting again :)

  3. 3

    When I took the pill, I had all of the symptoms you described. I felt awful. I was starting to think I was clinically depressed, until I stopped taking them and within a month felt like a new human being…or at least the same one I used to be. For me, the only thing that completely got rid of my migraines was being pregnant. Uh, not an all the time option, you know? I also had absolutely none of them when I had cut out all caffeine, and all dairy. I mean, the teensiest little bit of even casein was out of my diet. So no headaches, but having three things to eat was really not acceptable to me. So I went back to my old ways and still get them from time to time. I hope you find something that works for you, soon.

  4. 4

    I completely understand when it comes to migraines and well birth control never worked for me because it made my headaches even worse :/
    I sure hope you feel better soon and get the relief you need. Take care of yourself.

  5. 5

    I am the exact same way on birth control. I’m good for a couple of months and then the anger steps in. My boyfriend asked if I could stop taking it because he saw it from the outside looking in and told me flat out I was a mess. And I could feel, waves of anger, and the tiniest of tiny things. So not me!! I get migraines too, but mine – know are from stress and from straining my eyes. :( no bueno. I feel amazing being off birth control, let me rephrase that. I feel so much better being off birth control, I’m just more emotional now. Weird. I hope you find a solution soon. Birth control may not be it. Take care, Leslie!!! Xo

  6. 6

    oh honey, so sorry. I know you don’t want any more “have you tried…” but I’m gonna do it anyway :) Have you tried Botox? I know it sounds crazy but it’s now being used to treat migraines (I know this because hubby is a neurologist).

  7. 7

    Hang in there L, I can relate to the god awful flashing lights and partial loss of vision (not cool) but cannot unfortunately relate to the pill. How cool would that be if it cures your migraines, if it does Im getting me some birth control…..and maybe some man boobs as a side effect :(

  8. 8

    No advice just a note to say thatvsucks and hope you are feeling like yourself soon. Hugs.

  9. 9

    Big fat bummer! Hope you get it all figured out soon. We never liked the short time I tried the pill years ago either. I was a really annoying person then. ;)

  10. 10

    Oh my gosh, I so felt the same way.. My husband came for a 1 month vacation from his work overseas and I had to be on the pill..

  11. 11

    Aww I hope they do end up settling down and helping with the migraines.
    I had a terrible experience with the mini pill I went on after I had my baby boy. Since I was breastfeeding the mini pill was the easiest option for me but I noticed (and so did my poor husband) it turned me into a hormonal hurricane full of anger and mood swings! I would be happy one minute then so full of rage the next it was really quite distressing.
    I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to stop having these hormones mess with my body. After a few days of going off them I was happy again.
    Of course I still get angry sometimes but nowhere near as bad or as intense as when I was taking the pill.
    Hoping you find something that works soon, without too many nasty side effects! :)

  12. 12

    Love u Les… call me if you want, I think you have my #. You can email too if you feel like it. If not, feel better!
    xoxox
    Les

  13. 13

    Just wanted to say “I understand”. I live it too.

  14. 14

    Have they tried an anti-depressant? Not saying that you are depressed, but they are also prescribed for migraines and a slew of other symptoms, too. Without the hormonal imbalance, but I am sure with their own set of issues.

  15. 16

    Oh, and I just saw the above botox mention and I have had botox for migraines, too, and it was amazing! 30 shots across the back and sides of my head and I was a new woman!! And…maybe a couple extra between the eyes ;-) Sorry! I know you said no more suggestions, but we all hate to think of you in pain!

  16. 18

    There is an herb called Feverfew than when taken daily will help ease your symptoms. It has to be part of your daily routine and not taken just when you have your migraine. You need to let it build up in your system. I hope you find your relief soon.

  17. 19

    Leslie,

    I am soooo sorry!! I can totally feel your pain! My Gyno said the same thing… until I started having aura migrains. I decided to stop taking the birth control, they went away along with super bitch. Just had my old migraines. Be careful with the birth control… my life basically stopped for 6 months while we were experimenting.

    I drink Red Bull when I have migraines… I find it gives me a little bit of energy I wouldn’t otherwise have.

    I hope this all ends soon for you!!!

  18. 20

    I will be praying for you. I have heard that a strong cup of brewed black cofee without any tipe of sweetner works.

  19. 21

    All that I can say is “Oh My”….You don’t owe ANYONE an explanation for your absence. You come first, and everyone will still be here when your back! It is funny the guilt that overcomes us when we don’t post! I work at a Jr. High and I haven’t posted since the day school was out, GUILT! You take care of yourself and your family—-this is most important. Hormones got the best of me when I had my ovaries out and I was INSTANTLY morphed into menopause. Birth control can control hot flashes, but I opted not to take them and suffer through. I’m much better now. Keep your head up high, and things can only get better for you!!
    XOXO

  20. 22

    Oh wow! So sorry! I’ve never suffered from migraines but had a ride on that crazy train when i was put on Yaz a year ago! WOW! I wanted to DIVORCE ME!! I took myself off of them and then visited my Gyno. She said very strange, these were designed to help women with PMS yet i was her third patient that came to her and said they can’t take this pill as they felt the same as I! BTW, i too haven’t been on the pill since I was 19 yrs of age, that’s like 30 yrs ago!! WOW! But my visits from Aunt Flo started becoming erratic. And they seemed to go on for ever so doc thought the pill might help. So went fromYaz to Yasmin and my mood swings are much better :) Would like to say the same for my cycle but not as much.
    Sure do hope things get straightened out for ya!
    Linda

  21. 23

    Oh my gosh, you poor thing! I can’t even imagine! All I can say is that I’m thinking about you and hoping that you start to get better – whether your body adjust to the hormones or your doctor decides that to take you off of them. I have had friends who have had bad reactions to bc, although I’m not sure they were that severe. Back in the day I took a low hormone pill so I had very few side effects, but when my doc accidentally wrote me a prescription for the generic version of the EXACT same medicine, things were all wrong! I had to immediately get the name brand again – pretty crazy that our bodies can react so differently to the minor differences between different kinds of bc. The only thing I’ve found that has helped with my migraines in the past is caffeine. Now that I’m pregnant and can’t be downing Excedrin every hour, I’ve tried to drink a ton of water – it did help surprisingly. I’m sure you’ve tired it all though, so I’m just praying that you’re able to get the hormone situation under control so it can help.

  22. 24

    Gosh Leslie – so sorry to hear you are going through all that!!! I’ll be thinking of you and hope that things get better soon. Hang in there girlie!

  23. 25

    I hate migranes! I get them a lot! I have no idea why. I have PCOS so I don’t even have a period but I would trade a period for the migranes. I tried Topamax for migranes it made me feel like I could feel my bones inside my skin…weird! Hope you and the kiddos feel better dear! We all miss you!

  24. 26

    So sorry you are feeling so bad. My daughter-in-law sufferd with migranes while she was ON the pill, so she recently went off of it again.
    Take care of yourself as best you can; you and your health come first! You’ll be in our thoughts and prayers as you try to find a cure for this pain.

  25. 27

    You poor thing..seriously! I get stress migraines, but thankfully the one I get pre-period isn’t terrible. Always get one, but nothing debilitating like yours! I’m sorry you are having to deal with it! And the mouth sores…omg…top it off right? There is a mouthwash that your Dr can order for you. It’s called Stomastat (I think)-it’s actually for cancer patients (sometimes chemo can give mouth sores)-I had to use that when I had a bout of mouth sores..turned out mine was from fresh pineapple.
    Try to relax (right?)…try to rest…we’ll be here when you are ready to be back!

  26. 28

    I definitely know how you feel. I get waves of migraines every few months, and they’re horrible! Thankfully, they don’t usually stick around for a long time, but it still sucks.

    I hope you can find something that works for you and will get you feeling better!!

  27. 29

    No advice…nothing to offer except a (((hugs))). Sending you love and light my friend!

  28. 30

    Holy Crap you are going through the same stuff I did on the pill and that was back in 1977. I felt like the beast from the exorcist. I knew for sure my husband loved me when he didn’t leave me. All kidding aside I stopped taking the pill when I got suicidal. Very Scary. I am lucky to have a husband you didn’t have a problem taking control of the birth control. I wish you the best.

  29. 31

    I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time of it. Maybe a lower dosage BCP is in order?

  30. 32

    oh momma.
    your hormones are all fucked up.
    can we try the all natural way and get them balanced? might take longer but it works.
    herbs are a well known source for helping balance out the hormones.
    i did it 3 years ago

  31. 33

    oh you poor thing, I hope you can cute this! It must be such a Pain in the butt.

  32. 34

    Oh that sounds horrid! Has your doctor checked your thyroid levels? That could very well be the cause of all of it. Good luck! And feel better!

  33. 36

    My poor Leslie. I’m so, so sorry to hear of you in pain. I used to get debilitating migraines where I would put a wet wash cloth over my eyes, take mega sinus meds (though it was sinus) with a heating pad over the washcloth and sleep all day. Then I got rid of my second husband and never had another one. Perhaps you have taken on too much and it’s causing you to much STRESS! Take care of yourself and feel better gurl. XXXX

  34. 37

    You poor thing. I hope you get better soon.

  35. 38

    I have the *same* problems with birth control. I hate it….especially the anger. I cannot believe how bitchy I am on it! I’m normally pretty even tempered, but it’s insane on BC. I’m sorry you’re going through this :(

  36. 39

    Oh wow, that all sucks! Hope going through this BCP thing is worth it! Hang in there :) <—hope that smiley face didn't make you feel too bitchy

  37. 40

    Awww, hope you feel better soon *hugs*

  38. 41

    Been there and GOT that tshirt on both accounts.

    For me it is listening to body’ s rhythm and knowing if I get stressed around pms time, take the execdrin migraine DAILY and it seems to curb the worst of the headaches, I also watch my caffeine intake and up my protein (i get anemic and if I;m low, the migraines seem to hit worse).

    If not I have some lovely $80 for 5 migraine meds that work wonders, but i hate taking them as they knock me out for 2-3 hours. course the headache is GONE, so its worth it, but still….

    sorry cant give you a magic solution,,,but i can empathasize with you

  39. 42

    I had migraines for years!!! Tried it all…natural…drugs…acupuncture…reiki…diet…meditation…
    Moved to Nova Scotia got a new Dr. from France and he prescribed a Beta-Blocker…Atenolol…that was 4 years ago and I can count on ONE hand the headaches I have had!!! It is a method they use in France for migraines…LOVE MY DOCTOR!!!
    Feel better…hope you get it under control…

  40. 43

    My father and sister get cluster migraines. When I hear people say, “I have a migraine” and they are out, I want to scream “BULLSH*T! If you had a migraine you would not be here, standing up, or even speaking!”.

    I think the only reason I lucked out and didn’t end up having them is from my head injury when I was 20. Maybe the skull fracture and surgery changed something for me that kept them from happening like theirs.

    I wish I had an answer. All I can offer is empathy because I have seen what they go through and it sucks things that I can’t write here.

  41. 44

    Oh, Leslie. That totally sucks. Sure wish I had some good advice, but all I can offer is my heartfelt wishes for you to feel better soon. Take your time and take care of yourself. We’ll all be here when you’re ready to blog again.

  42. 45

    I too take a medication that I hate with hopes that it is worth it. All I can say is it sucks! I really hope things improve!!

  43. 46

    Leslie, anything that you ever give to/share with us is a gift. We are grateful for each tidbit of info & knowledge. Don’t give up. Keep demanding help from your physicians (even tho they don’t seem to have been very helpful yet)! Know that we are thinking of you and rooting for you!

  44. 47

    For me, my moods were more than I could take. I had always been even keel and then suddenly my moods were way off. I talked to my OB and he put me on a low dose pill and everything was fine. No side effects at least not any that I noticed. I felt like myself again. Maybe you need to be put on a lower dose.

    However, I don’t know how old you are but your hormones could be changing which could cause the migranes. Check to see when they start coming and watch what you eat. Lay off the caffeine, which I’m sure your OB already told you and salt, anything that could dialate your blood vessels. I use to get migranes as well from chocolate and wine. I hardly drink wine anymore and chocolate definitely doesn’t bother me.

    You might also do some research online to see what others have gone through. My guess is it’s hormonal changes which can occur they say up to 10 years before you go through menopause.

    Good luck!

  45. 48

    So sorry you have to go through all of that. My hubbie had a migraine every month. It was torture for him. He finally realized coffee/caffiene and chocolate give him migraines besides sweeteners. So he cut all that from his diet and hasn’t had a migraine in ages.

  46. 49

    I feel for you! I too have horrible hormonal migraines. They started during puberty and have been off an on since then. They were especially bad the first trimester of my 3 pregnancies. Thought I was going to go off the deep end w/my 2nd they were so bad. As soon as I would go into my 4th month though they would go away. Now in my early 40′s they are starting up again right before my period. They were starting a few days before, but now that I’m really watching my diet they’ve gotten better. I usually get one the day before and it can last anywhere from a few hours to a day, but it beats 2 or 3. I’m also taking iron when I get the crazies a week before because I get terrible canker sores if I don’t. Oh! and unfortunately sugar seems to be my biggest agitator. I love to bake and as long as it’s from scratch and not from a box (overly processed) it’s milder. Hope you feel better! Unfortunately doctors can’t help w/everything. I also developed painful arthritis in my sternum in ’07 that flares around my period and they haven’t been able to help me w/that much. Take care!

  47. 50

    This is my first time ever reading your blog (found you via your guest post on Cookies & Cups)
    I’m an RN and over the years I am coming to appreciate a holistic approach to medicine and living. After reading this post, I was cringing at the birth control. I do believe you sound like a person whose diet matters to your body more than the average person. (fun!) I think it would be worth a try to totally ditch the birth control and make some radical adjustments to your diet..cut out sugar, processed foods, things that aren’t organic since they are loaded with pesticides…and see what happens.
    I hope this comment didn’t totally piss you off =( and I hope no matter what you try, it works and you feel better asap. Peace & love!

  48. 51

    Boo! That all sux the big bullet! I know you said you are not open to suggestions, but I am passing along the same information that I pass along to everyone in the migraine boat. Two things actually. First off, stupid question, but a daily vitamin? Your body could be missing a big nutrient that gets even lower @ Flo time. Second, my husband was getting migraines for years and we marked it up to SO MANY different things. Finally I had enough of it and basically TOLD him to get a blood test, the culprit? Never would have guessed it! His Thyroid was outta wack. Guess a friendly {don’t bite my head off, hehe} suggestion, b/c I never would have guessed it in a million years. Hope everyone in your family gets better, genuine prayers and wishes your way :)

  49. 52

    I KNOW you don’t want another…have you tried this but I am going to do it anyway because it has helped two of my friends that listened to me. Many times migraines come about because of unoxygenated blood that goes to your brain due to an undiagnosed hole in the heart (google “hole in the heart and migraines). This has not been proven to be scientific yet but many stroke patients reported that after their stroke, which was found to have been caused by a hole in the heart that was repaired, their migraines either disappeared or were reduced greatly. What is done to diagnose a hole is for the physician to inject dye into your blood system and then with ultrasound, they count the air bubbles.

  50. 53

    I’m kind of surprised that they suggested birth control pills. My doctor (who apparently never read my medical history, where it clearly says I was diagnosed with complicated migraines) put me on the pill rather than back on the shot. I’m guessing it had something to do with the fact that they could charge me for the pill, while the shot was covered in the women’s health grant at the college. Not sure. Anyway, the pill they put me on has warnings plastered all over it that the estrogen levels in it are seriously bad for someone who has been diagnosed with migraines. Like…blood clots, worsening migraines, strokes, heart problems kind of bad. I found that out the hard way when my migraines started getting worse. Oh and the chest pains were great fun. So I’m back on the shot now and just trying to find ways to rid myself of the weight gain. :P And believe me, I’ve tried the gym. I put on more fluff going to the gym on a regular basis than I have just running around the house cleaning.

    I hope whichever pill they put you on helps! I know how frustrating it is when migraine meds don’t work! You might also try this thing called a migra-stick. I found it at the health food store. It’s got peppermint and lavender oil in it and you rub it on your forehead and temples. It’s worked pretty well for me. :)

  51. 54

    Hello Leslie! I am not sure how old this post is (I just stumbled on your site today *looove it!*) but I just wanted to leave my two cents to see if this might help. I’m 20 years old and I was on birth control for about 2 years. Everything was going fine, but I would get the same sort of migraines right around the start of my period that progressed to every other week. They were horrible. I had to call off work, lights were deadly and all I could do was lay down and sleep in a dark quiet room for hours on end, and I’d still wake up with it. They would last for days. I tried everything from ibuprofen, to vicoden and nothing helped. I asked my dad who is a nurse and we couldn’t figure it out. Luckily enough I work at a hospital with a very good neuro center (Barrow’s Neurological Institute) and I was able to get an app. with a neurologist. He offered a catscan, but I didn’t want to have to pay for it so he put me on what he called preventative medication. I took it every day (pain I know) and it was to help with my migraines. The first one I started was Topamax (a medication used for epileptic disorders) and it worked great but I couldn’t handle the side effects. Now I am taking something called Nortripylene (an anti depressant used ages ago but is now used for migraines) and so far its good. I still get them from time to time but they aren’t as severe and I take Excedrin Migraine (lifesaver) if I feel one coming on and it usually stops. I don’t know if you’d be able to see one, but maybe this will help if it’s still going on! Long post, but I thought I should let you know if nothing else has worked!! Keep with the posts, I will def. be following you from now on. Love the recipes =] With love, Ashley.

  52. 55

    What the world?!? I thought I was the only one that turned into She Hulk when being o the Pill. I could not take it. Also all the bloat and weight and no baby to show for it. You’ve got to be kidding me. You hang in there Leslie. I have been gone for a spell myself, and just now are catching up on my online life. See you here and there.

    My best, Lynn

  53. 56

    Hope you are feeling better. I don’t have experience with migraines, but I did have experience with being crazy on the pill. Seems it would happen for the whole week before the period and then the whole week of the period. So…eliminate the hormone changes and mood swings by eliminating the period. My gyno has me take the active pills from the bc pill pack continuously so there’s never an off week (throw the inactive pills away and jump to the next pack). It’s safe, you can research it, it’s called period suppression. Never felt better!